The Worst Recess Game

I played all kinds of games at recess. Four square, football, poker, octopus (what, you've never heard of octopus?), dodgeball. But I was just reminded of a failed experiment in a game we tried to play a few times. Though it sounds awesome, it is probably the worst game to ever attempt in real life: Calvinball.

As for many sixth grade boys of my generation, Calvin and Hobbes was hugely popular and influential to me. In the strip, Calvin and his tiger Hobbes would at times put on masks, break out the wickets and play Calvinball. It seemed logical at some point that we would try to emulate the game. But that proved an impossible task. First, none of us had masks. Why they are important I don't know, but Calvin famously said "No one is allowed to question the masks." We didn't have wickets either. But we had a volleyball, and imagination and we figured that was enough. It wasn't.

You see, the only rule of Calvinball is that you can never play it the same way twice. While this makes perfect sense for a boy playing with his imaginary tiger on paper, it's impossible to translate to a real world setting. Ultimately, we ended up recycling elements from the strip, and reusing them throughout the game. It was HARD to come up with new elements for a whole game. It was HARD to play consistently with four or five people a game that had no rules. What was the objective? In the end, it was chaotic and we had to give up, having failed admirably.

I don't know if there's any relevance to this, but I've been thinking about the nature of imaginative play recently and how much I actually engaged in as a kid. Some kids like Calvin are naturally deconstructionist. Others need certain rules and parameters. All I know for sure is that imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but you're wasting your time if you think you can ever imitate the wonder of Calvinball.

Note: all images of Calvin & Hobbes are the creative work of Bill Watterson. He's notorious about not licensing his images out, and it may very well be that their presence on the internet violates copyright and/or his express wishes. It is not my intent to upset Watterson or act against his will. My inclusion here is merely for illustrative purposes, and mostly confined to Watterson's original artwork. I found it all online, and have not reproduced any of it personally. Please do not contribute to Calvin piracy by creating or reproducing stolen imagery. Let's respect the work of a 20th Century pop art genius. ...and please don't sue me, Bill.

GLEE: "Grilled Cheesus"

"I don't care if it rains or freezes, long as you don't eat my Grilled Cheesus."

Okay, so nobody said that in the episode. But we did get a certain satirical bite at misplaced religion in this episode in the same vane as "Plastic Jesus" (a great song, and one that satirizes people, not religion). Sorry this is so late in getting posted (as if all three of my readers really care). Anyway, Glee takes on the notion of religion in the episode, but casts the net so wide that it's hard to really do any justice to one idea in 4o minutes. That said, there was some good stuff, and some missed opportunities.

In an obvious connection to those news stories where people start seeing Virgin Mary in everything, Finn makes a grilled cheese sandwich that seems to have Jesus on it. He takes this as a sign, and decides to devote his life to Jesus Christ. ...sort of. He ends up funneling his faith into the sandwich. He prays to it. He calls it "cheesy Lord", praising it for being delicious and asking it to grant his requests. There's a lot going on here. First, the absurdity is funny, but also sadly kind of true. Unlike other shows that have done similar episodes about religious manifestations, it doesn't have drastic consequences for others; only Finn. And even though it's an extreme to start praying to a sandwich, Finn has never been religious and there's a part of him that really is seeking God. There's something endearing and disturbing about it. And lest we pick on Finn, it's really no more ridiculous than other Christian extremism. Is praying to a grilled cheese sandwich with Jesus any more bizarre than Catholics praying before the "Exposition of the Blessed Sacrament"? For those who don't know what I'm talking about, sometimes after a priest blesses the "host" (that is, the plasticky wafer that's laughingly called bread), and thus transubstantiated it -- Catholics believe somehow it BECOMES Jesus in some sense -- they put it on display in a golden thing that looks like a sun. Then people pray in front of it. I'm not kidding. They even genuflect while walking past it because that bread in there, that's Jesus. So I'm just pointing out one can have a sincere faith in Jesus but also go in for some really wacky religion with it.

Kurt's hair looked really good in this episode. I don't usually comment on men's hair, but I thought it looked better than his usual 'do. I have a thing about hair.

Finn asks the glee club if they can use glee as an opportunity to sing songs that glorify Jesus (I think this had something to do with some deal Finn made with the sandwich. It's been a week and I don't remember exactly). Mercedes and Quinn like the idea. Mr. Shue is sufficiently dubious enough to broaden it to "spiritual" songs that aren't necessarily Christian. Don't want to get into a church/state argument -- though one comes up later anyway. Most are open to the idea of singing about belief or whatever, but good-hair Kurt will have none of it. He rags on the church. One reason being that he's gay and the church excludes him and then damns him for it. There's a sense in which I feel for Kurt. And the kind of vitriol spewed by the Westboro Baptists and the like (the "God Hates Fags" types) is uncalled for. But Kurt also mentions how they view homosexuality as a choice, and then he says "Like anyone would choose to be a social outcast on a daily basis." What's interesting about this is how Kurt is being both insightful and blind. I do think "choice" is bandied about far too much; most Christians don't believe people just wake up and say, "I think I'll be gay today." However, there ARE people who live their lives choosing to be social outcasts on a daily basis: Christians! Christians are maligned by people like Kurt every day. Despite the "Christian nation" rhetoric, it's socially tolerated to believe in a god, but Christians are constant objects of ridicule in the media for believing in miracles or resurrection or Creationism. Kurt himself even rags on how they are opposed to science. And yet they put up with it. Nobody's born a Christian, they choose it as a lifestyle. And yet they choose to be ostracized. In many parts of the world it will get them killed. In this way, Christians and gays have something in common and it has bothered me since I was very young that this is overlooked.

Puck also isn't down with praising Jesus in glee. He breaks into a performance of Billy Joel's "Only the Good Die Young". What I liked about the song's use here is that it's anti-Catholic message is actually on display. Often you hear it as a catchy tune, but Glee dared to present it in its proper context. I did not however like how it was choppily edited for length. Puck also claims the song was another in his string of "only performing songs by Jewish artists." Wait a tick, Billy Joel is Jewish? Really? Because I though I had read he was raised Catholic. I distinctly remember reading quotes about his opinions of Catholic guilt (which obviously feature in the song). If he is Jewish, I guess I learned something. Oh, and if Puck's only playing songs by Jews, can we pleeeeease get a Dylan song one of these days?

As in many such television episodes, some tragedy strikes to make people question their beliefs. Here, Kurt's dad has a heart attack and goes into a coma. With him in the hospital, many of the kids start praying for him, but Kurt wants none of it. Mercedes sings an inspirational song for Kurt. He appreciates the sentiment but doesn't believe in God. He's correct that he has as much right to talk about his atheism as the rest do their faith. Atheism is a faith of sorts after all. Then Kurt says something that I was hoping might come up: "I think God is like Santa Claus for adults." This is a perfect analogy for what I think is wrong with how we present God sometimes, and why Santa Claus is dangerous to Christian society. God is NOT Santa Claus. He's not some jolly bearded man in the sky who gives you whatever you want when you ask for it. Many believers do see God as that sort of figure. They are deluded. This all really should be a topic for a separate post, but what hurts God in so many eyes I think is that Santa turned out to be a lie. It's a cushy story told to children until their old enough to know none of it is true. This leads many to think NONE of the wonderful things they've been led to believe are true. If you can logically disprove Santa, what's to stop atheists from trying to logically disprove God? I think especially Christian homes should avoid the Santa Claus nonsense because it muddies things. Also, it oversimplifies belief into something warm and cuddly. But isn't Santa supposed to know if you're good or bad? Doesn't he punish the bad people with coal?? How come no kid you've ever known ever got coal for Christmas? That whole thing leads to a theology where everyone is ultimately good, and therefore why do you need a God figure anyway who is watching you so you better not mess up? I don't agree with Kurt's assessment of God, but I definitely agree that's how many people think of Him. It's a notion that I find just repugnant and silly. I don't believe in a sunshine and unicorns kind of God. Kurt then goes on to say if there is a God that he's kind of a jerk. Well, I guess that's a matter of interpretation, but when was the last time you accused Santa of being a jerk? Food for thought.

Rachel and Finn go out to a field so that Rachel can pray for Kurt's dad, Yentl-style. It's really just an excuse to get Rachel to sing "Papa Can You Hear Me" on the show.

Finn continues to pray to Grilled Cheesus at school. He says he doesn't know if prayer is different from a genie granting wishes, but asks that he be able to touch Rachel's breasts. Wouldn't you know, shortly thereafter, he slides into second base. Of course, this leads Finn to believe in the awesome power of Grilled Cheesus.

The above scene features a discussion between Rachel and Finn regarding religion. She wants to be sure that Finn's newfound Christianity doesn't clash with her Judaism. She wants her future children raised Jewish, to which Finn humorously replies, "our kids should totally go to Jew church and wear those little hats and eat that salty stuff on bagels." Rachel says both her gay dads are Jewish. This led me to ask the question... is Rachel really Jewish then? I know that it's a tricky thing defining Judaism as cultural or religious or what, but on a certain level, isn't it inherited from the mother? Was Rachel's mother Jewish? Does she even know? Just wondering.

About half-way through the episode, with all the talk of spirituality and characters ragging on God and/or the church I started hoping for the Christians to get a little more representation. The Jews were respectfully presented via Rachel and Puck. But so far the only Christian is Finn, and he's praying to a sandwich. He's not a real Christian who's lived in the faith for awhile. I was bummed that the episode didn't go any further towards having a rounder view of Christian faith. Quinn is something of a hypocrite, though maybe she's more penitent this year, and her dad's a hardline fundamentalist. Mercedes is Christian, but we only get Josh Groban-type stuff from her. Is it so offensive for a character to be normal and still believe in a resurrected Jesus? I know popular kids in schools who are good Christian kids. I just felt like it would have been nice to have one in the episode. Not saying that the show was wrong for dealing with questions of atheism or everything else, just that it was starting to feel a little one-sided.

Kurt comes to the hospital to visit his father, only to find that several of the girls are praying there for him. Kurt throws them out, and brings in a Sikh to do some acupuncture on his father. Basically, Kurt trusts science rather than God. But this is a curious moment because Sikhism IS a religion. Secondly, acupuncture in its own way is scientifically nonsensical. It doesn't exactly follow what western science knows of anatomy, and yet it seems to work in its own way. Is this really that far removed from any other faith that on the surface makes no sense but might still have effect? Kurt, like many atheists, is more angry at church-based institutional religion than all religious thought, whether or not he admits it.

Later in glee club, Kurt asks to sing a song for his father. He is reminded of a time when he was young and is father held his hand, so he sings the Beatles song "I Want to Hold Your Hand." It's reasonably effective, but the arrangement of the song was blatantly stolen from the movie Across the Universe. The slowed down ballad take on the song is nice, but I've heard it before. The song was intercut with footage of young Kurt and his daddy. The casting department did a great job casting a kid who really looked like Chris Colfer.

It was around here that I started wondering just when did glee club become a karaoke bar? That's all they do now! They show up, say "I have a song to sing", then the band magically knows it while they sing it and their friends applaud. Don't they have actual rehearsal? Is Shue still assigning them things?

Finn learns the hard way the old axiom "be careful what you wish for". After the success of the Rachel mammary prayer, he asks the sandwich to make him football captain again. Well, in the game, Sam gets pummeled and Finn is made captain. Finn feels very guilty about this and talks to the guidance counselor. She tells him that these things didn't happen because a sandwich had magic powers. They just happened. At this point, Finn sings "Losing My Religion". I thought that was a fun choice of song. Though if this is how Finn really feels, I shudder to think how his faith would have been challenged when Grilled Cheesus started to get moldy.

Finn's story though does illustrate other problems people seem to have with prayer. Prayer is not supposed to be just wish-granting. It's communing with the divine. Many also seem to equate "answered prayer" with "result I want". That is, a prayer is "answered" if you get what you asked for. That goes back to Santa; I didn't get my Red Ryder BB gun so prayer doesn't work. But as Finn learned (I hope), God is not just a genie granting wishes. But I also want to take this opportunity to bust another prayer myth. Some believe that prayer doesn't do anything and stuff just happens. To counter this, the religious make a case of always saying that "God always answers prayer." They'll tell you sometimes he says no, sometimes he says yes, sometimes he says wait. Let me rock your world for a minute; according to the Bible, God does NOT always answer prayer. So while I do believe in prayer and that it can be effective, I also don't want people believing an oversimplified lie. There are times God gives people the silent treatment in scripture and says "though they cry out to me, I will not hear." I wish I had specific references to give. But trust me; for the most part God does indeed answer prayer and indeed he does sometimes say no. But every now and then, he doesn't answer at all. Again, this is its own topic. A good book on prayer is Phillip Yancey's recent book Prayer, if you're curious. He's also on my side with this issue.

Mercedes invites Kurt to church with her, saying that even if he doesn't believe in God he should believe in something beyond himself. Kurt agrees to go, since he gets to wear a fabulous hat (also a topic for another day...). Mercedes sings in the choir, and they do a gospel rendition of "Bridge Over Troubled Water". It's a nice song, but of course ends up being more about people helping each other than God or anything. This is not wrong necessarily, a part of Christianity is "bearing one another's burdens", but again I wish there were something a little more.

Meanwhile this whole episode, Sue Sylvester wants Mr. Shue to stop doing spiritual music because of church and state separation. We learn that she doesn't believe in God because her sister has Down Syndrome and kids made fun of her when they were young. What kind of God allows that? Later, Sue visits her sister and asks if she believes in God. She says, "Yes. God doesn't make mistakes." It's sort of left there. Really, this is another fair point and one that's nice to see debated on TV. Many young people really do have questions about this sort of thing, and I think that it's just as important to discuss them as it is to discuss oral hygiene. I wonder though about the God doesn't make mistakes thing. Maybe mistakes is too strong a word. ...But God certainly does REGRET certain actions throughout Old Testament scripture. God is sorry he ever made man, and sends a flood. God is sorry he made Saul king and anoints David. The list goes on. Again, just my somewhat subversive Christian two cents.

In the end, Kurt visits his dad and realizes that it was wrong of him to send the praying girls away. They were just trying to help. He says that he doesn't believe in God, but what he does believe in is the connection between him and his father. At this point, Mr. Hummel squeezes Kurt's hand. He's awake and everything will be okay.

The episode ends with the group singing Joan Osborne's "One of Us". It's another interesting choice, but in this context seems to be more about espousing the secular humanist ideology than anything else. "What if God was one of us?" plays right into the preceding scene. Kurt comes to believe in people, but little else. When you take what Mercedes was saying too, it seems that ultimately after throwing a lot of ideas out there, the show settles on a "let's all believe in humanity" conclusion. I don't really know how to feel about that. It almost felt TOO humanist to me. I completely understand Kurt feeling that way. It troubled me a little more when it came from Mercedes and ended the episode. Funnily enough, on the IMDB message board for this episode, a user named EducatedAtheist thought the episode was far too Christian, and was hoping for a message more about the connection between all of us. Um... did we watch the same show? That was exactly what I got from the show! What Christian message was there? Don't pray to grilled cheese?? I hope not all atheists have such blind rage.

So overall, I thought it was worthwhile discussion. There are so many different ways things could have gone. I'm actually impressed that Kurt didn't suddenly find God in the end. Not that I don't want him to, but because that cheapens the show. Like on Boy Meets World when Shawn suddenly prayed because Mr. Turner was in the hospital. Of course, that episode was more about cults. Anyway, I expected it to be a TV cliche; the dad is in the hospital, and you have to come to faith. When television shows do religion, it's always a tricky thing. I remember as a boy being very excited about the Family Matters episode when Steve Urkel "got saved" as we might say. That is, he went to church with the Winslows and "accepted the Lord" into his life (his words). It's hard to express what something like that meant in an evangelical community. Anyway, I hope that the things here follow through the series and don't drop off. I hope that Finn continues seeking in some way beyond a sandwich, and that Kurt is able to be civil with those he doesn't agree with.

While the song choices were mostly good, I did think of several missed opportunities.

"The Seeker" by The Who.

"Reason to Believe" by Rod Stewart

"God" by John Lennon -- this would have actually worked pretty well for Kurt. If you don't know the song, you probably at least know the reference to it in Ferris Bueller. John lists things he doesn't believe in, including Jesus, Bible, mantra, tarot, Hitler, Nixon, culminating in "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Maybe it would have required substantial rewriting, but it seems to me that sort of humanist conclusion is just what Kurt comes to.

"Jesus Walks" by Kanye West -- not a fantastic song, but Glee likes to do the hip hop stuff, and it would have been cool for a Christian character to present their own faith somehow. "The way Kathie Lee needs Regis, that's the way I need Jesus."

"I Believe in You" by Bob Dylan -- a hard song to sing, but a good basic "I have faith in something" song. I actually would have preferred if Mercedes had sung this instead of "I Look to You", but that's just 'cause I'm a Dylan fan.

I'm just glad nobody got up and sang "Jesus Take the Wheel".

Songs in tonight's episode:

Only the Good Die Young

I Look to You

Papa Can You Hear Me?

I Want To Hold Your Hand

Losing My Religion

Bridge Over Troubled Water

One of Us

Next Week:

I don't really know. The previews were vague. But we know Sam is back and joining glee club and that Brittany seems to have taken an interest in Artie... my my.

I Made This

I put together this little video in my spare time because I got the idea in my head at work and couldn't shake it. Enjoy, and see how many of the images you can place!

The Last Selfless Act of George Bailey

It seems I've written several times about It's a Wonderful Life. The last time I watched it, I realized something that I'd glossed over before, a point that puts the whole movie in a different perspective.

Most people are familiar with the story, or at least the third act. George's life is a mess, so he jumps off a bridge. But an angel saves his life, and then shows him how the world would be if he were never born. George realizes his life has meant something, and we get a happy ending. This is often framed in the collective unconscious and in parody retellings within the concept of Christmas suicides. But this reading is wrong.

There's this fanciful statistic floating out there that there are more suicides on Christmas Eve than on any other night. I don't know if that's true, but I'm inclined to say it's not. Anway, many people think that's where George Bailey was at the start of the movie. That he was so depressed at the situation he was in that he just wanted to kill himself and give up. When Rugrats retold the story (in perhaps the best parody of the story I've ever seen), Chuckie ran away from home because nobody cared about him. But this is not it at all.

Yes, George was angry. He was frustrated that the only thing he ever wanted in life he was never able to do. He tired of being the one guy who had to save everybody all by himself. And at that point most of all he was at the end of his rope, out of ideas on how to save them this time, knowing that old man Potter might finally win. But it isn't despair that sends him off that bridge; it's love. Inside George's coat is his life insurance policy. George is a desperate man so desperate as to give up his own life so that the money in his policy would save his family. Now, that's still a foolish prospect, but it's not the act of a despondent man. He was not a miserable guy who just wanted to end it all and jumped off a bridge. He stood on that bridge pondering whether it was worth drowning to save others; one final selfless miracle from George Bailey.

He doesn't jump in the water as I recall; he falls in. Either way, the whole thing about "life would be better if I were never born" comes out of an argument with Clarence the angel. George does NOT jump off a bridge because he wishes he were never born. It might seem a minor point, but to me it paints the whole film and George's character in a different light.

I don't think of George Bailey as a broken man who wanted something stupid. I see him as a hero; a tower of plain everyman courage and selfless kindness. In the real world of course there would be no happy ending. I wanna know where my sudden basket of neighborhood money is right about now. In many respects it is NOT a wonderful life. "Life is pain. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something" (Princess Bride). The world as it is now is awful and will basically not get better. But that's no reason to deny George Bailey his nobility. His pondering suicide may have been misguided, but it was for a good cause. Think about that.

GLEE: "Britney/Brittany"

Sorry, this is a bit late getting posted. Well, the Britney Spears episode came and went and actually wasn't too bad. I definitely expected worse. There was much more of an early first season feel to the episode than I expected.

I may be the only person watching the show last night to have gone "Oh! Christopher Cross!" at the start of the episode. I understand that most of his music is not hip or relevant. But Mr. Shue had a good point about how not every great song has to be a big rock song or a power ballad. I was hoping that his assignment would lead into performances of smaller, insightful numbers. They could still navigate away from most "adult contemporary" which is just an umbrella term for disposable music that you can't really categorize. But something small like a Don McLean song ("Crossroads" or "Empty Chairs") that isn't bombastic but can be just as effective is something I'd love to see the show take on. I'm a bit dissapointed we never got to hear them do "Arthur's Theme". I may not think much of Christopher Cross on the whole (I think "Sailing" is lame), but "Arthur's Theme" is a great song! They didn't even try! That's an Academy Award-winning song that's still catchy. I say this as somebody who has the 45 of the song from the '80s. I think I was most surprised at Kurt's immediate dismissal of the song.

If you read my previous post, you know how much I was dreading the Britney Spears idea. Thankfully, they handled it differently from the Madonna one. In that episode everyone couldn't shut up about how great Madonna was. Here, Mr. Shue is dead against the group doing Spears, which I liked. He cites that she's a poor role model, which is an interesting side to take. Kurt and some of the others counter that she's culturally relevant and the students want them to do it. Okay, that's fair. But most of her music is crap. Some of the early stuff is okay (none great), but if the people want it, I can see begrudgingly doing one number. Kurt says it was a Facebook campaign. I wonder if this was an actual behind-the-scenes push from the fanbase.

Finally Brittany gets a little bit more to do than just be the dumb sidekick. She still gets some great naive one-liners (including referring to being probed by aliens), but she's a bit more the focus here. She says she doesn't want to do Britney Spears because (get this) her name is Brittany Susan Pierce, thus Brittany S. Pierce. She's always lived in Britney's shadow and likes glee club because it allows her anonymity.

There are several winking nods to YouTube culture in this episode. The first comes in that first glee scene, when somebody says to "Leave Brittany alone." This was a fiercely clever nod to the clip of Chris Crocker telling the media to leave Britney Spears alone that hit big a few years ago. You can see the original video here (language NSFW).

We thankfully got back to the Emma storylines from last season, and meet her dentist boyfriend. Surprise, it's John Stamos! And he makes Mr. Shue jealous. Shue agrees to let him come speak to glee club about oral hygiene as a way of showing Emma how flexible he can be (part of what she likes about Carl the dentist is he's so spontaneous). The spontaneity issue is also an interesting extension of the first season, where you could see glimpses of that from Will that may have sparked Emma's initial interest as well.

Never mind the fact that Stamos looks nothing like a "Carl". He visits glee and promotes good tooth care. Santana comes onto him with a suggestive reference to letting him drill her. I was glad to see a popular show taking a serious issue like oral hygiene to the teenage populace. It's actually a very underrated health concern that gets overshadowed by all the cancer and STD info out there. Anyway, we learn that Brittany's teeth are atrocious because she doesn't brush; she rinses her mouth out with soda because she thought Dr. Pepper was a dentist.

In Carl's office, Brittany is given nitric oxide to knock her out while he attempts to fill most of her 60 or so cavities. While under the gas, Brittany has a Britney Spears fantasy, where she is Britney and performs "I'm a Slave 4 U". Several things to say about this piece. First, I hate this song. Of all the Britney canon it is one of the worst songs which isn't appealing to the ears in almost any way. The fact that it was the first Britney number also was a bummer. Out of all possible songs it was this one you start with? Brittany's vocals were all right, but honestly, vocals barely matter in this song as they are just breathy; it's more about hip gyration. Even Spears' original vocal wasn't that great. On the positive side however, I was happy to see a return to the fantasy song performance on this show. Some of the most creative stuff from the early part of last year was when songs were done as fantasy sequences. Somehow they started to get away from it. Most of the performances in this episode were dream sequences. I also liked that this particular dream wasn't a carbon copy of a video; it had elements from multiple Britney videos. I noticed "Toxic", "Oops... I Did It Again", "Slave 4 U", and a few others. I like this because it's more the sort of thing the unconscious would do.

After waking from this fantasy, Brittany has changed her tune and now wants to be Britney Spears, and demands she get to sing all the solos. No one really takes this seriously. Next, it's Santana's turn in the dental chair, and she brings Brittany along with her -- or maybe it was the other way around. I don't remember. Anyway, Carl gasses them both, and they do the Spears/Madonna duet "Me and the Music". This one is more closely a parody or homage to the video, though perhaps more by necessity. Santana wears that white suit better than Madonna did. This sequence is better than the previous one, for what it is. The vocals are decent, the choreography pretty good for this sort of thing.

Throughout the episode the real Britney Spears makes a couple of appearances in the dream sequences. I'm not sure whether this was a good idea or not. Spears CAN make a delightful appearance on TV; she did get her start on MMC (I refuse to call it Mickey Mouse Club because at that point in the show's run it was called MMC). Her appearances on How I Met Your Mother were good, but I'm not sure what can be gained by her appearances here.

The aftermath of the "Me and the Music" number results in a humourous exchange where Santana mentions sharing Brittany's fantasy, even though that doesn't make any sense. "How did our fantasies combine?"

Meanwhile, Finn is being harassed by his former football team members. He is no longer cool and they call him gay (perhaps in the aftermath of last year's "Theatricality"?). Artie steps in to defend him. Coach Bieste secretly witnesses this. Rachel is also teased for her clothing style. When she goes in for dental work, she has a Britney fantasy too, and it's "...Baby One More Time." At least this one is decent. It's almost a shot for shot remake of the original video. This makes a certain amount of sense too, since Rachel's fantasy world is more structured, I can see her replaying it with her in the starring role. Still, at this point I'm starting to tire of the video-remakes. Can't they do a fantasy that's more original? I also sincerely did not like that they raised the key for Rachel to sing it in. The original was weirdly low, but this one was too high.

Rachel's hallucination also gives us the second viral video shout-out of the night. As she comes out of her dental anesthesia, she says, "Is this real life?" This is a nod to a popular video with a kid having received dental anesthesia saying this very thing.

Jessalyn Gilsig makes a return appearance in this episode! She played Shue's wife last season, and Shue's wife is back! I like her and miss her as part of the show. Shue has bought a convertible he can't afford (just like Carl's) to impress Emma. Then his ex shows up and tells him what an idiot he's being. I was just really happy to see her again.

There's a scene in this episode where Kurt is wearing this weird gray suit and a bow tie. I thought the gay community was trendy. I thought Kurt was all about style. Why did he come to school dressed like some guy's Uncle Mortie?

While on the Kurt subject, I do want to point out something very good about his character development. With this episode, they've started to take him away from being the stereotypical queer poster boy who can do no wrong. First, he disses Christopher Cross. Then later, he mouths off to Mr. Shue for not letting them do Britney Spears. This results in detention for Kurt. It's about time the writers made a point of how he's a normal kid who still does stupid things and still gets in trouble; he's not always the innocent victim. I appreciated this moment a lot. Being gay doesn't give Kurt free license to mouth off whenever he wants, just like Mercedes had no excuse for her racist comment last season.

Fresh from her fantasy, Rachel comes to school dressed as Spears in the "Baby One More Time" video. Finn is embarrassed by this. Jacob is turned on by this. So much so that Sue catches him naked and masturbating in the library. It's a bit of a Chocolate War moment. She blames Spears for this. Knowing it will upset her (and also make him seem spontaneous), Shuster changes his mind and agrees to do a Britney Spears number for homecoming. He's even going to perform with them.

Coach Bieste decides to let both Finn and Artie on the football team. This leads Artie to his nitric-induced Spears song, "Stronger". We watch as he pumps iron, and dreams of getting buff to impress Tina. I think this was the best Spears song of the night. It's a reasonably good pop song that's not all about gettin' busy on the dance floor, and is the most character-related piece.

At the homecoming assembly, Will is all decked out in a vest and hat for the Spears number. In my favorite random shout out of the night, Emma says he looks like one of the Kids Incorporated. For those of you who are not children of the '80s, Kids Incorporated was a TV show that used to run on Disney Channel (though I don't think it was original to them. Probably Canadian). It was like a cross between Glee and The Partridge Family. Fergie (from Black Eyed Peas) was a cast member as a kid. I was never a huge fan of the show, but I watched it here and there. I was more of a Mickey Mouse Club guy though (but the early good ones with Damon, Chase, and Keri Russell -- not the awful couple years with Timberlake, Spears and Aguilera).

The group performs "Toxic" for the assembly with choreography that feels like Fosse channeled through Skinemax. The students love it, culminating in almost orgiastic glee. One girl swoons for Mr. Shue. The scene reminded me a lot of the "Push It" scene from last year. They served similar functions; the group did a number to be popular with the kids, it was sexually suggestive, and the kids loved it. Sue however does not, and she pulls a fire alarm at the end of the number, forcing a mob evacuation that results in Jacob getting trampled.

Rachel fights with Finn because she feels like they can't be together if they aren't both losers. She issues him an ultimatum: football or me. He chooses football. She then sends Quinn as a secret agent to flirt with him and see if they can be together. Finn says he's with Rachel. Bolstered by this, Rachel (having gone back to her old look) decides to stay with Finn. In the final scene, she sings an adult contemporary song "for my boyfriend Finn." That's a sweet gesture on her part. But the song isn't anything to write home about. At least it brings the episode out of Spears for awhile. Brittany says she thought she was getting to do all the solos, and suggests that next week she'll be doing Ke$ha. I wonder if that's true (dear God, no).

On the whole, I was surprised by this episode. I thought it felt much more like an episode rather than an event (sorry Madonna episode), and was better than the Lady Gaga one. It was good to see a return of fantasy song sequences and Jessalyn Gilsig. Bits of the show were welcome reminders of last season. Though it didn't all work for me, the episode actually came off far better than I expected. I am a bit dissapointed that no mash-up got worked in though. I would have liked to have seen them mash up "Baby One More Time" and "Oops" to prove to America that they are the exact same song with the exact same structure (you unfortunately can't play them together though because "Oops" has a slightly faster tempo). I also would have liked to see an attempted mash up of some Spears song with "Arthur's Theme". I'm sure it's possible. Any of you out there in computer land wanna try one, please do and send me a link! And preferably, mention that it was my idea!

Best line of the night: Sue comments on Will's many vests: "You wear more vests than the cast of Blossom!"

Songs in tonight's episode:

I'm a Slave 4 U

Me and the Music

Sailing

...Baby One More Time

Stronger

Toxic

The Only Exception

Next Week: Apparently this will be a religiously themed-episode with Kurt's dad in the hospital! Unfortunately the musical choices don't seem particularly inspired, including Joan Osborne's "One of Us". It's a decent song, but there are a lot of others to choose from. Considering the substantial contemporary Christian market out there, I hope they get broader in their selections next week, and don't just end up doing "Spirit in the Sky" or "I Can Only Imagine".

GLEE: "Audition"

Now that the new season of Glee is here (and Lost is gone forever), I'll be posting weekly thoughts on the latest episode.

Tonight's season premiere of Glee was very good, though not quite excellent. It doesn't quite approach the joyous bundle of satire that the original pilot was, nor completely embrace the rich tapestry of character that some of last year's episodes had. But it was by no means a bad episode. "Audition" was a strong re-introduction to the world of Glee, establishing where some of our characters are falling to this year, introducing new faces, and avoiding some of the awful over-indulgences of last year's "theme" episodes (though there are more on the way this year). With a lot of ground to cover in one episode, it came off reasonably well.

It began with a brilliant teaser focusing on Jacob Ben Israel's video show, as he interviews various characters. The first shot was of camera readjusting to his title card after staring at a cheerleader's behind; classic. Jacob is a good foil character when not milked too hard, and this episode used him perfectly. I love his little hebraic microphone. The interview style was a clever way to present us with some quick exposition, but also take some jabs at the series itself and its vocal online viewership. We learn that Puck has had a vasectomy since the Quinn baby fiasco of last season. And Tina has started dating Mike Chang (if you're asking yourself "who?", Mike Chang is the "other Asian")! Poor Artie! Apparently the two really hit it off at "Asian camp". Some of the best bits here though were the self-aware kind of meta look at the show that Arrested Development started to run with, and some of the rapid-fire humor. Take for example Mr. Shue being stunned at the revelation that "kids don't like it when I rap?" I wonder how much web buzz there was when he's rapped previously, because this reads exactly like an acknowledgement to fans (but the white boy rapping continues as Artie busts several rhymes in this episode). Jacob calls out the Glee club (and in a sense the show) for being so gay, saying the songs they sing sound like a drag queen's iPod. Kurt fires back at the end that losers who sit on their couches typing out criticisms on their blogs don't have the courage to get up and sing. That takes guts. Rebuttal: I for one, Kurt, have no problem singing in public. Oh, and Rachel basically got called a hobbit, which I found hilarious.

There's a bit of a shake-up on the series. The old football coach is gone, and in his place is a beast of a woman named Coach Bieste (pronounced Beast). Funding for both Cheerios and Glee has been cut, much to Sue and Shue's outrage, because football is more important to bringing in big alumni bucks. Glee club needs new recruits, especially since "Matt is gone". Don't know which one is Matt, so I'm guessing he's that non-descript darker-skinned football guy who filled out the background. Mr Shue is desperate for new recruits, but refuses to audition them, telling Sue that anyone who wants to can join Glee. But nobody wants to.

This leads the gang to try a recruitment performance at what I assume was lunch or some sort of break outside. Competition this year will be held in New York, and so they chose to perform Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind". I gotta say, I'm a little bothered by this at first. I don't like that the first song we get this season is a current hip-hoppy song that's already over-saturating our culture right now. I'm not that into this song, though it's better than most. Part of it too is that I don't think I get the mad love that New York gets in this country. Because you know and I know that when people say New York they mean a city, not a state. Still, my reservations aside, the song serves its function well here. Glee has a habit of taking current songs I hate and making them work for me ("My Life Would Suck Without You"). I didn't fall in love with the song here, but it was a solid performance. And frankly, if you want to make Glee look cool to your peers, this is exactly the sort of song you would do; one they all know (the new Filipino character even mouths along). And I gotta say, I always wanted to bust out a performance at lunch in high school; I would have been all over that. ...On the other hand, if I had to sit through some junky current pop song at lunch, I'd get terribly annoyed. The performance does not garner the group the instant notoriety in the school that "Push It" did last year, but it does get a few new characters interested. Oh, and on a totally unrelated note, I don't think I can ever hear the song again anyway without thinking of this video. All other versions pale in comparison.

Coach Bieste brings out the angry dog in Sue Sylvester, and thus is forged an unholy alliance between Mr. Shuster and Sue to bring her down. This amounts to a lot of childish pranks designed to make Bieste feel bad about herself and leave the school, thus restoring funding for Glee and Cheerios. In the end, Will can't take being the bully and makes nice with the Bieste. The relationship between Sue and Shue is a tricky thing, and I like that they were walking a delicate tightrope here of them being pals and enemies, building on what happened last year, but not losing the spirit of conflict that makes the show work.

Finn hears a kid singing in the shower (much like he was discovered in the pilot) and thinks he'd be great for Glee. He encourages the new boy, who has a big mouth and a Justin Bieber haircut, to audition. Meanwhile, Artie wants Tina back. He thinks he'd have a shot if he could get on the football team. Finn tries to help him out, but when he suggests it to Coach Bieste, she's not in a good place from all the bullying and thinks Finn is mocking her. She kicks him off the team. The new guy is made captain, and therefore backs out of auditioning for glee because he has a reputation to build.

I like that Tina is getting a little more to do. It's tough because she's a character that they've had a hard time figuring out how to write, but I like her. One of the best jokes of the night came when we saw a bit of Tina and Artie's relationship. Apparently, he was a terrible boyfriend because he didn't talk to her for weeks (he was playing a marathon game of Halo), and when they did hang out, all he wanted to do was watch Coming Home over and over. I thought that was hilarious.

Before he decides not to audition, the new guy (sorry, I don't remember his name. Did they say his name?) gives an informal audition to the guys in glee. He performs "Billionaire" by Travis McCoy (yet another current song), and the guys all join in. While I don't like the song, there was a certain exuberance in the performance, and it was great to see Finn on the drums again. One of the problems with using a song like this is that they had to bowdlerize the opening lyric to "I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad." I'm sure you probably know that McCoy doesn't want anything "freaking bad". I think that's maybe what's wrong with the song, too; its opening tag is poor grammar and curse words. It just makes the idea seem a lot lamer than it should. Compare "Billionaire" with Barenaked Ladies' "If I Had $1,000,000" and see what I mean. The latter is stronger.

Another thing that struck me during the "Billionaire" sequence is that everyone in these episodes always knows the words. It's a tricky thing with a show like this because in many ways it follows movie musical rules, where the logic of the song and dance isn't often there. To a point I like that traditionalism. Yet there are times when I feel it gets one step too far into artifice. Just once, I would love to see an episode where somebody doesn't quite know the words. This kind of thing happens all the time in real life. You're singing a song you all know with your friends, then you get to the part you kind of don't know and drop out for a moment. I think that's the kind of dopey reality that Glee could get away with once or twice in a scene like this. Not in all musical numbers mind you, but in an impromptu jam session on a popular song? Yes.

Meanwhile, Rachel is showing off her commitment to glee club (and her xenophobia) by suggesting to the Filipino exchange student from earlier, Sunshine, that she should join. Rachel treats her like a shy little girl who doesn't speak English well, but quickly learns that this little girl (shorter than Rachel!) has got some PIPES. She sings a little song while listening to her iPod that Rachel joins in on. It was yet another annoying pop song (talking about texting and all) that shows what's wrong with current music. At this point, we had had no older tunes save a snatch of Guns n' Roses and I was getting a little annoyed. The song grew adversarial between the girls, on Rachel's part anyway, until Sue Sylvester did us all a favor and told them to shut up. Thank you, Sue!

A lot of what's wrong with the series too was in that scene. I understand there's a suspension of disbelief that comes from characters breaking into song. I know that they've been pre-recorded and all and are designed to sell records. But it is just so hard to take the scene seriously when their vocals are run through vocoders. I can forgive some of it on the big group numbers, especially when they are "performances", just like I forgive the fact that the musicians always know the songs immediately. When Mercedes sounded like she had some reverb or double-tracking on her during "Empire State" I took it in stride. But in this scene it's an intimate fight between two girls in a bathroom; an impromptu explosion of song. The overprocessed Britney-Spears-esque vocoder sound is antithetical to that sort of feeling. Perhaps they were afraid that without it we would know what a crappy song it was? Considering the bizarre but logically stripped down version of "Poker Face" last season, I think this is inexcusable. They can do better.

There was a moment of real observational humor when Puck tells a Helen Keller joke at football practice. Helen Keller jokes are a definite part of the high school culture; hang around a high school long enough you'll hear a few. I thought that lent an authenticity to the episode as it moved into some good stuff in the second half.

I thought that the show really nicely handled Coach Bieste. She could easily have remained just a masculine gym teacher stereotype; a one-note joke. But as she is teased, and Sue makes a point of referencing how she must have been harassed in high school, we are allowed to see her in her emotional state. It was very real. As she tearfully reapplied her makeup before football, I felt like I was witnessing a real human action. High school doesn't end in high school; certain things do hurt. People do have feelings. And it led to that well-written scene where she kicks Finn out. You know her actions are totally irrational, but you completely understand them. I like when the show allows itself moments to get real like this and not just play the joke.

Santana has had a breast augmentation over the summer. This causes Sue Sylvester some chagrin, who makes a rather impassioned statement that high school girls should not be altering their bodies in this way. It's a nice message. And she caps it with a great breast euphamism, calling them "vine-ripened chest fruits" or something like that. Quinn tries out for Cheerios this year. Though Sue tries to keep her out, Quinn counters that it will only be good press for the team and the school that they take back a wayward teen mom who will be preaching abstinence in a Cheerio uniform. Quinn gets to be captain of the squad again, and Santana is demoted to the bottom of the pyramid. There's a great catfight in the hallway between the two of them. And seeing Quinn put that uniform back on was cool. She's a pretty girl, and she looked good with her hair down, but I really missed that ponytail, Quinn! I have a weakness for ponytails, and seeing her finally put her hair up again really made my night. (Yeah, I kinda have a thing about hair.)

And one more surprise: also auditioning for cheer? Finn. Seriously. Becky was there at the table with Sue during tryouts (you remember Becky; the girl with Down Syndrome). And watching Finn's audition was just... sad. Seriously, Becky's was better. It was especially funny that Becky kept a running commentary of it's epic failure ("Is this really happening?").

Rachel does something despicable, knowing that Sunshine will steal her sunshine, I mean spotlight. She gives her an address for auditions -- but it's a crackhouse. Tina and Mike Chang learn this because "the Asian community is very tight." In fact, the Asian community really IS that tight. There's a large Asian population, many as exchange students at my local high school and I've seen it. Anyway, everyone tells Rachel what a horrible thing that was and Sunshine auditions for them with "Listen" from Dreamgirls. It's one of the songs that was written for the movie to showcase Beyonce, and it serves Sunshine pretty well here. I also like that it has some story significance, in that the lyric has a bit of a bite-back at Rachel. Everyone is blown away by her audition, but she will not end up joining New Directions after all. Why? Well, the crackhouse incident soured her on Rachel, and she's been recruited by Vocal Adrenaline. Gasp!

I'm not sure how I like this development. We know that Sunshine is going to be a regular, which unfortunately means we'll probably get a lot more Vocal Adrenaline in this season. I'm not sure that's wise. The arc with Rachel and Jesse St. James last year was problematic for me (seeming to exist solely to showcase guest stars and reunite Lea Michele with her Spring Awakening costar). All this tells me that the Vocal Adrenaline wrinkle will be a minor arc, and Sunshine will join New Directions within 5 episodes. That's my prediction: five episodes.

After all the good and bad of the premiere, the episode closed with what I think was the most brilliant of witty musical bits. After slogging through contemporary blah music, we got to a modern Broadway standard, "What I Did For Love". But there's a wicked dark humor about its use here. Rachel has just admitted to Finn how wrong and despicable her actions were, and that they really weren't for the team but for her own ego. She suggests he should dump her, but he counters that he's not popular anymore and she should dump him. Neither of them can dump the other, and Rachel walks off to be alone and sing. And what does she sing? An anthem to no regrets. That's right, has Rachel really learned anything? I love this because "What I Did For Love" is EXACTLY the kind of inner monologue a self-righteous theater geek would use to justify her actions. You did it for love, Rachel? Really? I found it brilliantly comic, and darkly pointed. And it was a nice performance.

All in all, a strong episode tonight, and I hope a sign of good things to come. I hope that Sunshine becomes a character more than a voice, and that the new guy whats-his-name doesn't just become a Finn clone. We shall see. I at least was glad to see some human drama here.

Songs in tonight's episode:

Empire State of Mind

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Telephone

Getting to Know You

Billionaire

Listen

What I Did For Love

Next Week: Britney freakin' Spears. Seriously? I'm sorry guys, this just strikes me as a terrible idea, especially for the second episode. I know the Madonna one was big, but even that one had a certain artificial feel to it. Big theme episodes like this don't work (see the Lady Gaga episode), and it's going to feature Spears herself too. The costume reproductions and just make it look silly, and unlike the Madonna one, it's going to have a lot of awful music. Not even her good stuff (which is understandably a relative term). "Toxic"? Really? That song is AWFUL. Recreating the videos is not a good idea. The optimist in me hopes that at least someone will point out that "...Baby One More Time" and "Oops... I Did It Again" are exactly the same song.

My Primary Objection

Last week there was a primary election for Governor here in Massachusetts. I did not vote in this primary. In fact, I don't vote in any primaries. During the 2008 Presidential campaign, I mentioned to someone that I wouldn't be voting in the primary and was looked at like a complete nut who doesn't understand his civic duty. This person is an active member in civic organizations and works polling places and such. I can understand the push to get folks involved, but I think if I had mentioned I don't vote for President either she'd have blown a gasket (that's a topic for another day). But I am not some nut, and I do understand my civic duty. I understand it better than most, I think. And because I do, I do not vote in primary elections.

Here's the first issue. I don't vote in primaries because I have no party affiliation. I'm "unenrolled" (which is what we call independents, since there's an "Independent" party). I know that everywhere in the country independents vote in primary elections. They are encouraged to do so. What's wrong with that, you may ask? What's wrong with it is that's not what a primary election is for. We act as if the voting process is like some big bracket scheme, and that we have to go through early rounds of voting before we get to the Final Four. This is not it at all. If that were the case I would vote (...and have serious reservations about our democracy).

The purpose of a primary election is so that the party can choose its candidate. That's why there are two ballots; a Democratic and Republican ballot. Now, I could also get tangential on the insanity of a "two-party" system, but that too should be reserved for another day. And to be fair, I believe there was actually a Libertarian ballot as well this time around. Suffice to say though that really these elections are for party members to decide on their candidate. Why then are we allowing outsiders to vote in those elections? I don't understand why they would WANT independents to vote in their elections! If you want a candidate who best represents YOU, why allow an opinion from Joe down the block? For independents to vote, they have to choose a ballot to vote on; they can't vote on both. Effectively, they are encouraged to disguise themselves as members of one party. It would be as if the vote were between the Red-Head party and the Moustache party and there was a guy outside the polls passing out moustaches and wigs! That's like letting the Big Bad Wolf throw on a curly tail and be a Pig for the day. At least if independents were required to vote on both ballots that would, though still ridiculous, have the virtue of "canceling out" errant ideas in fairness. That way conservative independents can't just vote Democrat in hopes of a lesser opponent winning, or vice versa.

So my primary reason for not voting in primaries is that I do not belong to either party and it is therefore not my vote. The notion that I should be voting in such elections strikes me as un-American, undemocratic, and terribly suspicious. How can any thinking person support such an idea? Imagine if the election hinged on one deciding vote. Can you really say you're okay with that vote coming from a random independent who likely doesn't espouse your ideals? That's equivalent to holding a school board meeting but having some random Canadian janitor from another state show up and cast a vote regarding budget reform. THAT's how absurd it is.

Beyond this point though, I question the good sense of even having these primaries. Why limit the Party's exposure by narrowing down to one candidate? Invariably every year one Party ends up deciding they backed the wrong horse. Our government was established with the concept that anyone able could run for office. It isn't limited to "major Party players". As long as you're on the ballot, that's enough. And why limited the Democratic presence or the Republican presence to one candidate? There's some belief floating around that to do offer more than one candidate would split the vote, ensuring a loss for your Party. But I ask, why should that be so? If such a thing occurs, that's generally what Third-Party candidates are blamed for doing. But given more choices, I think many voters might be more inclined to vote towards a different party if there were more candidates to choose from. Ideally there should not even be parties. But couldn't we just once try offering a few more candidates all up for the vote and see where it gets us? I mean, we can pick Best Picture of the Year from a list of 10, but have to pick our leadership from 2 to 5 people? This sort of thinking leads more towards the "lesser of two evils" kind of voting than real support, and an official who doesn't hold public support can never be as effective as he should be. The logical step, then, is not to encourage more voters to vote in primaries; it's to eliminate primaries altogether. Or if you feel your party must whittle things down, let's see a little more fairness in the representation of all the other third-party candidates that will crowd the ballot. I'd like to see 10 names on a ballot someday, even if half of them are crazy or think exactly the same way.

If we're for choice in this country, then let's be for choice! Stop polluting the Party decisions with independent votes. What sets the Democrats or Republicans apart if their decisions are made in part by outsiders? Is it simply a name and a perceived ideology, or is it a true group of like-minded individuals working to effect change by way of their organization? Allowing independent voting on primary election day isn't helping you, your candidate, or your democracy; it's actually diluting your party. In the end, if everyone can play the game, why distinguish yourself as a party? For example then, it's less the "Republican Party", and more the "Democrats Not Allowed" party. That's just boys' treehouse politics; childish and stupid. Parties, if you don't want to be a laughing stock, close your doors to independents. Independents, if you want to be respected as free-thinkers, let the Parties have their elections and keep your opinions for the real election day. And to everyone else, don't think of me as some uninformed rube. I understand the system all too well. I'm not an idiot. I'm a conscientious objector.